So, You Don’t Like Them

Last week I wrote about how to deal with the fact that some people do not like us. It is just as important for us to turn this around and look at people we do not like (admit it, you don’t like some people). I’ve had struggles with coworkers on campus that I “didn’t like” for one reason or another. It may be they have a different personality than me, that I don’t find them cooperative, or I feel I cannot trust them. Sometimes we are justified in our feelings. There are, in fact, people who break our trust and don’t work toward solutions but create problems instead. While we may encounter this in passing with some people, if it is a short-term connection, then it does not impact us much. But when you work long-term with people we cannot continue to just pass on people we “don’t like.”

How do we handle people we don’t like? First, remember, like you, people prefer being liked.  If for some reason you don’t like someone, ask yourself why and see if you can take steps toward improving how you view someone. Here are some steps I’ve taken to address my own frustrations with co-workers.

Everyone has bad days (and weeks and months)
We don’t want to be judged for the long term on how we act all the time. Maybe someone catches me before my second cup of coffee or after a particularly hectic day. I’m not at my best and if how they view me forever is based on that limited interaction, they don’t get an accurate picture of me.  We need to acknowledge that everyone has rough times and may not be at their best when we deal with them. Plus, rough times can stretch out for people if they are experiencing a divorce, caring for an ailing family member, or struggling financially — we all have rough stretches in life where we are not at our best.

Don’t take disagreements personally
An effective workplace depends on some disagreement as we challenge one another in different areas. When people disagree with you it is easy to take it personally, but we need to recognize we don’t have all the answers — someone else may have a better solution. In addition, sometimes similar traits can create a problem. For example, I can be rather protective of my co-workers and have been frustrated with others who are equally protective of their co-workers. In essence, we share the same trait but it puts us at odds sometimes. When I realize this it helps me appreciate their point of view and usually come to an agreement more easily. In other cases, we just disagree with someone on how best to accomplish some task, but that does not make people bad — they just think differently.

Look past the personality to the work
Sometimes people just bug us and we just bug others. Someone’s overly sunny disposition can wear me down whereas my curmudgeonly approach to life can annoy others. You don’t have to be best friends with everyone to work well with them. If their personality bothers you, focus on their work. Sometimes those you find annoying do great work and you learn to like them more because of it.

Find something to celebrate
Maybe the person you dislike just got a promotion, celebrated a work milestone, or even became a grandparent. Send a quick note congratulating them so you have a positive interaction with them (chances are, if you don’t like them, they probably don’t like you much). This also shows you want to make the relationship a positive one.

Offer it up to prayer
Our Christian faith has a lot (a lot!) to say about forgiving others. As Christians, we need to remind ourselves about the forgiving nature of our faith. “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). Asking for patience and an understanding of our failings can help us overcome our frustrations with others. We may need to forgive coworkers for their bad days and rude comments in order to move forward in our life and faith.

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Colossians 3:13

The main lesson is to realize we all have a limited view of other people’s lives. Just as we need people to support us as we are, we should try to support others as they are. This is far easier said than done and I fail on a regular basis. But a positive relationship is worth the effort and some people whom I “didn’t like” at one point have become trusted colleagues. It is worth the effort!